Learning to write with Dolen Perkins-Valdez
If you want to know who my writer role model is, look no further.
Some of you know me really, really well. Some of you I’ve met in passing or we follow each other on Instagram or you knew me when we were twelve. Some of you I’ve never met at all.
Today’s guest — author, mother and all-around-awesome person Dolen Perkins-Valdez — knows me in all three of these ways I think.
How is that possible, Julia? How can you know someone and not know someone?
Maybe this is how we all know each other. In bits and pieces, in memories, in however I construct myself in words, or on the internet.
Dolen lived up the street from the house I grew up in and, you should know, Dolen was always the cool neighbor. Dolen has done a million and one impactful and impressive things, including but not limited to publishing a New York Times bestselling novel called WENCH. You can learn more about her and her writing here!
I am simply so excited for you all to hear from her that I want to skip the parts of this newsletter where I tell you all about being sad or being confused or being really, really grateful and just get right into the goodness that is everything Dolen has shared with us today.
I have been thinking so much recently about my relationship with my mom, and I know this proximity and familiarity (and the way those things fluctuate as we grow) is something of value to you in your life too. These are also things you’ve explored in your writing — family, femininity and freedom. When you are in the process of developing stories and characters, what are you thinking about as you explore motherhood and the intergenerational relationships that exist for the narratives you create? Do you think often about your characters’ family or your own when you are writing?
This is a really good question, especially because I am really close to my mom as I know you are to yours. In my forthcoming novel TAKE MY HAND which comes out in April 2022, the entire story is framed around a mother telling her daughter a story about a tragic event that happened forty years earlier. The mother is sharing this as her daughter graduates from college because she believes knowing this story will strengthen the young woman as she goes out into the world. I definitely believe in generational wisdom and I try to pass on as much as I can to my own daughters. But I also believe we can learn something from the younger generation, too. My teenager constantly challenges and enriches me; we pass wisdom back-and-forth between us, and we are all better for it. So I would say that even when I write about other families, I am also writing about my own family. It isn’t always completely parallel, but it is a connection nonetheless.
You’ve known me since I was a really tiny child with a million interests and a million questions about the world and now here I am as a random 20-year-old floating in the ether. I can’t imagine watching a daughter morph from some small being to someone who (in the case of my mom and me, though she rejects this still) is taller and just out there in the world and existing. Often I wonder what it feels like to watch your daughter(s) grow, as you and my mom have both done in turn. What is one lesson you learned from your mom? What is something that you hope your daughters learn from you? What is something you have learned from raising two daughters?
Yes, I remember when you were so flexible we called you Gumby. You were always such a cool kid to me; I didn’t have children of my own when I met you and your mom and you made me want to have them! My mom has taught me so much, but one lesson has stayed with me every single day. She always said, “Make your decisions and live with them.” As a result of this advice, I strive every day to make a good judgment call, but I don’t beat myself up when I make mistakes. I actually hope to teach that same lesson to my daughters because I think it’s a good one. As for what I’ve learned from them, I’ve learned patience and a sense of humor. My kids are both fun and silly and they keep me laughing. In the most serious moments, they know how to find something to smile about. That’s a really important lesson, too.
Do you have any advice for young writers looking to put themselves out there?
My best advice is to learn your craft and write write write. If you stick with it, you will eventually accomplish all your goals and more. Oh, and surround yourself with positive people who help nurture your dream.
Bonus Question: What is your favorite thing you’ve read recently?
I recently finished a novel called We Cast a Shadow by Maurice Carlos Ruffin that had me calling all my friends and telling them about it. You know it’s a good book when you get on the horn to spread the word!
And finally, what is one question you would want to ask your mom that you haven’t asked her yet?
My question for her would be: what one thing would you tell me if this were our last day together? I know my days with my mom are precious, so I really want to ask her this every day for the rest of our lives.
Have a question you’d want to ask your mom? Leave a comment, let me know!